San Francisco Institute of Possiblity


Fallen Cosmos Essay: Full of Shit

Another amazing and long essay! This person totally deserves to see the Cosmos Fall!

Full of Shit

In the survey you asked about the most enlightening experience of my life. Well, like most such stories, this one involved severe pain and lots of shit.

The physical and spiritual challenges of that week combined to gift me with the best week of my life.
I used to be shy about using such superlatives in describing my life: it seemed immodest, braggy, and possibly delusional.

And then I got over it. Today IS the best day of my life because I am alive in it, and I am being provided with everything I need. Breath, sustenance, shelter, family, community, and most of all: Love! I am blessed to have so much love in my life and coming to me at all times. I am awash in it, I am floating in it.

And so the details: last spring I thought I had appendicitis. I was doubled over in pain. And I blew it off for a day, until I went to the doctor. They said “50/50 you have it, but you’ll never get into the ER, so go home and wait and see if you spike a fever, and then call 911.”

In the meantime, they scheduled a the CT scan. Which showed that while my appendix was pristine, my colon was very full of waste.

Yes, that’s right. I have now been medically diagnosed with being Full of Shit.

While this amuses me to no end, it is also pretty darn embarrassing. For one thing, it is considered impolite to talk too much about poop and pooping. And for another, I am deeply ashamed that I let my body get into this situation. I like to think I take better care of myself.

But of course, I pushed through the shame and quickly thumbed a funny facebook post.

But then I started the real work.

A koan had been presented to me. What do I need to let go of in my life? What am I holding onto so tightly? How do I open space in my body and in my life and in my spirit?

For some time I have been aware of my talent for Holding. As a Public Defender, I bear witness to awful traumatic things. My clients often tell me about the darkest moment in their life: their wounds, their fears, their grief. I have looked at countless autopsy photos and Sexual Assault examination reports. I have visited the scenes of many murders. I have spent a great deal of time in prisons and jails. I have hugged the family members of my clients as they cry when I tell them how bad the situation really is.

I hold things.

I hold space, I hold confidences, I hold secrets, I hold pain.

As public defender colleagues, we are allowed to share stories (attorney-client privilege doesn’t apply to law partners in the same firm), but I can’t and don’t tell others. Mostly because it’s just too sad and I don’t like being a “downer” and I don’t want to burden others. But also because I don’t like to talk about it; it hurts.

Fortunately, I also seem to have a talent for processing and digesting this dark energy, and turning it into Love and

Positivity, which I am delighted to then share.

I use this energy to fuel my body, and it turns out that I make a LOT of energy.

However, it is now quite clear that this process, though powerful, is something less than 100% efficient.

And so I got full.

Full of shit. Full of pain. Full of holding.

It was time to deal with it.

After a strong laxative did nothing, on Thursday I got a colonic: colon hydro-therapy.

(And once again, here is the TMI disclosure!)

I went to a colon therapy place, and the technician put a tube up my ass and then pumped me full of warm water.

She then firmly but gently massaged the water out of my gut, and repeated 4 times.

In the process I released a lot of stuff.

This is part is crazy. My normal weight is 200 lbs, and the day after the therapy, I weighed in at 193!!! Yikes!!!

Admittedly, I had eaten little all week due to the pain, but still: I definitely released 5-6 lbs of poop!

And more: during the 45 minute session, I also very consciously let go of a lot of other things too.

I chose to let go of the weight of the world on my shoulders. I chose to let go of the sadness of my clients and their families and the victims of the crimes. I chose to let go of my need to fix everything. I chose to let go of my guilt for not doing enough. I chose to let go of everything. I let my body relax on a deep molecular level.
I believe that I experienced in a small way what my death will feel like. A letting go of every thing.

What bliss that will be! What relief! What a blessing!


I felt light of foot, and I looked different! My face was thinner. My belly was flat. My acne-prone skin was clear. My back felt better. Even my annoying plantar fascitis got better.

But the big shift is in my soul. I begn to feel free.

Free of fear. Free of shame. Free of the burdens of the world.
A huge space has opened up inside me and Love from everywhere is rushing in to fill it. I am brimming over with joy and acceptance and gratitude.

I am ready to fill this space with the cosmos. ‘Cause its in there anyway and I was just kidding myself about that all along.

I don’t need a ticket to the cosmos of course, but I would sure like to get one to this show.

thanks for all the work,

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