San Francisco Institute of Possiblity

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The Vatican, Dinosaurs, and the Fallen Cosmos! Oh My!!

The following news report appeared this morning on the website of The Christian Science Monitor – and was taken down less than 10 minutes later. To our knowledge, we have the only surviving text copy outside of the CSM’s own archives, and since it mentions The Fallen Cosmos we’re reprinting it here.

This may or may not have something to do with the recent Kickstarter release of the religious tract God Hates Dinosaurs. There is only one way to be sure: we need 666 backers to donate to the God Hates Dinosaurs kickstarter so we can know the truth!!!

God-hates-dinosaurs

Calls to both the Monitor and the Vatican have not been returned.

What fossils doesn’t the Vatican want you to see?

According to recently declassified intelligence reports, previously unsolved thefts of dinosaur fossils from natural history museums around the world can be traced to a ring of thieves with close Vatican ties.

Papal spokesman Father Frederico Lombardi confirmed that the alleged ringleader of the ring, Father Brian Kolodiejchuk is a priest (and in fact the former confessor of Mother Theresa), but denied the existence of an actual band of thieves dedicated to stealing specific fossils on behalf of the Pope in Rome.

But numerous intelligence officials consulted on background say the compilation of data from declassified CIA, Mossad, and the Direction Générale de la Sécurité Extérieure documents, all lead to the inescapable conclusion that the Vatican’s Office for the Protection of the Doctrine of the Faith has a longstanding team of thieves stealing fossils dating back to the Triassic period.

Both the start and the end of the Triassic period (approximately 252 million years ago) were marked by significant extinction events. In each case, the planet was nearly emptied of life, and has yet to recover its former diversity. The single continent of Pangaea likewise separated during the middle of the Triassic period.

“The fossils we believe Father Kolodiejchuk and his band of criminals stole are not especially valuable – at least for fossils,” said Harvard paleontologist Stephanie Pierce. “Yet the resources needed to steal Ichthyosaur fossils from the Field Museum in Chicago; plesiosaur skeletons from the London Museum of Natural History; thecondont remains from the Museum für Naturkunde, in Berlin, among so many others, must have been extraordinary. Which raises the question: what does the Vatican know, or think it knows, that the rest of us don’t?”

Reporters at the Vatican City newspaper L’Osservatore Romano say that high ranking clergy are becoming increasingly concerned about something they call “The Fallen Cosmos,” and believe that the long history of dinosaur thefts are connected somehow. They say sources confirm that a meeting was held just after Christmas on both subjects – but with the abdicated Pope Benedict, not his successor Pope Francis.

John Allen Jr., who covers the Vatican for the Boston Globe, said the ecclesiastical hierarchy has been concerned about the global impact of “The Fallen Cosmos” ever since one of Pope John Paul II’s ancestors, Jan Scholz, was briefly a member of The Hellfire Club.

“The ripples of that discovery have been profound, apparently convincing the College of Cardinals that The Fallen Cosmos is inevitable,” Allen said. “But they will not say what it is, or why. Frankly they all seem terrified. But of who? Kolodiejchuk? I’m telling you, he’s not the problem here. If anything, he’s being framed.”


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