San Francisco Institute of Possiblity

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Pope Francis, Carrie Galbraith, continue decades long feud

One of the many Vatican bars Carrie Galbraith has been banned from.

One of the many Vatican bars Carrie Galbraith has been banned from.

Vatican City, Vatican, May 23 – A spokesman for His Holiness Pope Francis confirmed today that the Pontiff will refuse to review “Tales of the San Francisco Cacophony Society.”

According to Father Federico Lombardi, the Pope will also refuse to provide a blurb for the book’s press tour, or to Tweet about it on the Vatican’s Twitter account.

“His Holiness Pope Francis does not endorse this book in any way, and frankly doesn’t see what’s so funny about gluing toasters to the side of buildings,” Father Lombardi said.  “He prefers the sharp satire of a Mark Twain impersonator.”

The Pope’s refusal to read or promote the book is part of a long continuing feud between the Holy Father and former Cacophonist Carrie Galbraith, which began (according to sources in the Italian press) when he was Archbishop of Buenos Aires.  In 1989 both Francis and Galbraith wore the same black frock and red sash to a Catholic Cabaret Party, leading to an embarrassment that the Archbishop called “devastating in the eyes of the Lord.”

Since that time His Holiness has written several poor Yelp reviews about Galbraith’s book art workshops.

“You call that long-stitch binding?” he wrote in 2003 under the name “BatManFan88.”  “I’ve seen better stitching on burn victims.”

Galbraith responded in 2004 by making several derogatory remarks about the Council of Worms in 1521.

“That was some grade A bullshit right there,” she said of the edict that formally declared Martin Luther to be a heretic across all Catholic lands.  “Really serious douchebaggery.”

It was too much for Pope Francis.

“If His Holiness has told that woman once, he’s told her a hundred times,” said Father Lombardi, “leave Martin Luther out of it.”

International observers had hoped that the production of this book might finally end the feud, as Pope Francis is known to be fond of avant garde illustrations.

“The pictures in ‘Tales of the San Francisco Cacophony Society’ are just gorgeous,” said the Most Reverend Excellency Antonio Mennini, a Papal Nuncio.  “Worth the price of the whole book, and then some.  Just the kind of thing he loves.  It’s why he’s having the Sistene Chapel re-done as a Banksy painting.  Wait ‘till you see it.”

Galbraith, however, is not surprised it didn’t work.  “Banksy schmanksy,” she said.  “It’s so like Pope Francis to jump on the bandwagon of the biggest graffiti artist from 10 years ago.  He probably thinks he discovered him.  It was the same way with Mother Theresa’s humorous doodles about crucifixion.”

Galbraith said that she, and the book “Tales of the San Francisco Cacophony Society,” will carry on without any support from the Holy See.

“We have lots of fans and supporters, and we appreciate all their help,” she said.  The one exception is “Agents of Chaos,” a book launch party which she and her fellow co-authors have refused to authorize or support.

“Chicken John’s weak on Martin Luther,” she said by way of explanation.  “I saw him personally selling indulgences back in 1995.  So fuck him, and fuck all the books they sell for us.”

Learn more about Agents of Chaos here.